Tuesday, 22 January 2013

I feel that I should make a confession

Snow angel

My attendance at WW meetings have been sporadic recently. I have tried several local ones and not found a leader I like or a time that fits in with my schedule which tends to fluctuate week on week depending on what is going on with work and training.

And another confession.

My weight loss has been…well. Not. And this is probably down to several facts. The sporadicness (not a real word, fact fans!) of my attendance at meetings and corresponding lack of doggedness in sticking to the eating plan day in day out. And also the undeniable truth that, since September, I have been using my old friends food and wine as a source of comfort far more than I should.

I know all of the things that I should be doing. I’ve written over and over again about the need to look after myself, to put myself first, to treat myself kindly, to see a healthy eating plan as a gift rather than an inconvenience.  I do believe it.  Likewise, I’ve written about the fact that I try hard not to locate my self esteem in my feelings about my appearance, that extra weight doesn’t make me a bad or a less worthwhile person.

But confession number three – I am not looking after myself properly. Well, not consistently, anyway. And confession number four – the physical evidence that this is so makes me feel incredibly miserable. I don’t have a full length mirror in my house. I don’t want one.

Weeping Woman
I had to go to see the doctor today. When I left York I transferred practices and the new one needed to do a medication review. The poor thing – she probably expected a relatively straightforward five minutes, what she got was the Incredible Weeping Woman. It all came pouring out; the fact that throughout all my problems with anxiety and depression I had relied too much on food which had resulted in a substantial weight gain, that although I hadn’t had a reoccurrence of the debilitating panic attacks during my recent separation, I was recoursing to the same behaviours, that my self esteem was low, that I was terrified of all the health issues attached to being overweight, that I was furious at myself for putting my health in jeopardy, that I was frightened that I couldn’t sort myself out on my own.

And she was lovely. And she gave me some tissues and asked sensible questions. She has offered me blood tests to check things like blood sugar (there is type 2 diabetes in my family) and cholesterol levels to set my mind at rest, and also to check my thyroid function – underactive thyroids can not only increase one’s propensity for weight gain but also contribute to feelings of depression. And we also have discussed the possibility of me going for counselling again. She agreed that the fact I have not had any panic attacks recently was a massively positive thing but suggested that maybe some sessions to discuss rethinking other negative behaviours might be really helpful and build on the work I had already done.

As I left she smiled and said, “Don’t worry, we’ll get you sorted out.” Which nearly made me cry again.

It is never easy to ask for help. God, it’s not easy to admit that you need it in the first place. I want to be able to fix my own problems – I feel that I have all the tools and therefore should be able to do it myself – but the fact is, I need a little bit of outside support. And I want to do it now, while I am still relatively young (“You’re only 32!” said lovely doctor – the "only" was much appreciated) and yet to encounter any serious health issues.

So anyway. They say confession is good for the soul and there you have it. Rest assured that I am going to keep on keeping on, and apologies if this has been of a sad mental dump – lovely sausage recipe to follow later this week to lift the mood, I promise!


  1. Bless your lovely heart. I wish I could give you a hug. Well done for being brave and asking for help, you've taken the first really big step. I hope you get some answers health wise and that you are able to get a lovely counsellor to help you work through the other stuff. You'll get through this. Much love xxx

  2. It IS hard to ask for help; I couldn't empathise more. But perhaps this is a place you can find help rather than apologise and promise sausage recipes (although obv sausage recipes always v welcome!)

    You have had a lot on your plate metaphorically so I can quite understand how that translates to physically.

    If there's anything I can do email me.


  3. Hey there,

    I commented once before and your this post motivated me to comment again.What you are going through is very hard and you are doing great by just getting up every day and putting one foot in front of the other. You are living in a new place, getting to grips with all that and keeping your show on the road in terms of work and still finding time to write cheery blogs that help all of us reading them. I think that you doctor gave great advice about going to a counselor; I know that this helped me when I was suffering with anxiety attacks. You are doing great, give yourself a break, so what if you have put on some weight, it’s only weight, it goes up and down according to what you have going on in life, you have the toolkit and soon it will all click back into place. In the meantime just do your best and don’t be hard on yourself, I hope you won’t mind me saying the following - Speaking from personal experience of break ups i am a big fan of the no contact rule, unavailability brings the “confused” party to their senses a lot quicker as they realize what they miss about you, you might think that cozy dinners are a better road back to togetherness, not in my experience. This is giving the all the lovely benefit of your company and intimacy while they make up theory mind about what the future holds. The no contact rule also allows you to begin to heal, and climb off the emotional rollercoaster of missing someone so much, seeing them in familiar surroundings yet not being together. Block them from reading you blog too You might be surprised at what you might feel at the end of an enforced period of no contact!! I really hope that things work out for you,You will get through this, xxxx

  4. About four years ago, I turned into a sobbing mess in the GP's office at the mere sound of a (vaguely) sympathetic person. I'd packed on a stone and a half (maybe it was even two stone?) in weeks, was busy hiding everything from everyone and thought for sure I'd be fine at the GP, but oh no, I burst into tears. I was mortified (and I still cringe when I think about it), but it ended up being a very good thing because I got help I was too afraid to ask for (or maybe, that I thought even if I asked for I wouldn't get).

    All a long way of saying: You'll get through this -- but I'm so glad you're getting help. (And your GP sounds lovely). We're all rooting for you xxx

  5. Thank you all for your lovely, lovely words, they mean so much. And you make valid points as well which I shall ponder.

  6. Hey Seren. I can't believe it! I thought I'd commented nicely and sympathetically on this post and now see that I have not!! Sorry babes. You sound v cheerful talking about suasages above so I hope getting some stuff off your chest helped but,if you're still struggling, take heart, everyone has low times and you are doing amazingly well coping with lots of changes. And asking for help too (even whe it doesn't come naturally to you). Big hugs hon. I am (and was) thinking of you. Any time you fancy a walk in the Peaks and a chat, give me a shout - you might have to cook for your supper as you seem like a much better cook than me but it'd be great to meet.

    Lesley xx

  7. No wise words like the ladies above but lots of **hugs** and well done for talking about things, always good to get it off your chest xx

  8. I've come to realise that commenting from my phone doesn't do anything other than drive me mental. This is now my 3rd attempt!

    Asking for help is never easy, but we all need to do it at timesI really hope you're feeling happier, but I think you're doing amazingly coping with such changes. I hope things work out for you.

    Massive hugs from me x