Thursday, 7 April 2011

Some first anniversary navel gazing

It’s been nearly a year since I started this blog.

If this was primarily a weight loss blog, I’d be sheepishly admitting that my weight probably is about the same now as it was when I started that first entry. It’s been lower and higher, but overall, there has been no significant change. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Well, disappointed, of course.

But also, after a very turbulent few years which have involved all sorts of personal traumas, part of me is rather pleased that I’ve at least broken the pattern of gaining. The depression and anxiety issues, which are the root cause of much of the poundage I now carry around, are improving. I may be taking anti depressants for life, but as my lovely GP said, if you had a thyroid issues, or were diabetic, you would take that medication for life and not think anything of it.

It strikes me, reading that last paragraph back, that it smacks a bit of excuse making. Is it an excuse? I’m not sure. I certainly think, had the last few years not been as difficult, I would be smaller. I absolutely know that, especially in the early days of the anxiety, when a vague feeling of dread hung about me like a cloud punctuated only by moments of extreme, white-hot panic, I was self medicating with food and alcohol. It’s natural to turn to things that you love in times of stress. And there is a limit to how much you can ask of your loved ones before your depression starts sucking all the life and joy out of them as well whereas food is an unquestioning, undemanding constant.

To go back to my original point, I have always wanted this blog to be about more than weight loss, but a celebration of wonderful food as well. I wrote, back in my very first entry, about how some of my favourite memories were foodie ones, and it was absolutely true; food has always been a great love of mine and probably always will be but, somewhere along the line, it also became my weapon of choice. That’s sad. It makes me sad that I’ve abused something I am so very fond of and turned it into something harmful. But, at the very least, my eyes are now open to that. And it is nearly impossible to binge mindfully. The essence of bingeing, especially when you’re using it as an escape mechanism, is mindlessness.

Gosh. A bit heavy. I feel the urge to chuck a recipe in now, for something frivolous like fairy cakes, or fudge. Instead, let me consider for a moment where I want to be in another year’s time? Well, still writing here. Still sharing a virtual meal with all you lovely people. Hopefully slimmer. Definitely healthier, both in body and mind.


  1. I don't think what you've put sounds like excuses at all. What you're doing is looking back on what has been, and can't be changed, and drawing the positive out of it. You've broken your cycle, and you're a happier, more balanced person now - that's a great achievement. Especially when you consider that there have been tough points in the year, and you've come through them unscathed. I spent pretty much the entire of last year, faffing round with the same 7lbs - losing and gaining it over again - and initially, I had exactly the same reaction as you - oh, I've failed. But then I reframed it - I'd succeeded in maintaining for a year ... something I will need to figure out how to do for the rest of my life. Be proud of yourself. x

  2. OMG, I could have written so much of that post myself. It's not excuses, it's so hard when things are rubbish in your personal life but they way I see it a maintain is better than a gain.

    I think this blog is great and even if you feel you've achieved nothing else in the past year, look at this blog and be proud xx