I've come to realise (or maybe, more accurately, acknowledge) that there is a part of my brain that steadfastly believes that I do not deserve good things because I am overweight.
I mean, it is a small part. Logically, I know it is the silliest form of silliness. But don't we all have those little voices deep down? Those voices that say that we're not worthy of x because of y?
I can't imagine why it is. I've never set an awful lot of store by being beautiful - I'd rather be described as clever or funny or, even, nice. I don't aspire to a career where looks are important. But still, always the nagging feeling that being big makes me...less.
D said, in our counselling session this week, that he wanted me to take more pride in myself, that he thought it was important - not because he sets any store by high maintenance females but because he feels that I've lost a bit of myself. I always respond to this by retorting that I scaled back the lipstick and the styling and the sparkle because he has often said he prefers a simpler aesthetic. But that's only part of the story.
And when I thought about it more, that old phrase kept flashing into my mind - what's the point of putting lipstick on a pig. It shocked me a little bit. Because that is some very sad, negative thinking right there that I wasn't even conscious of.
Do you know what? Pigs are great. They are highly intelligent, friendly, loyal, playful animals. And if a pig wants to wear lipstick - MAC or Chanel for preference - then she damn well should and tell that little voice inside to pipe the eff down.
Because, aside from anything else, losing weight is an act of self love in the same way that piling it on is often a way of expressing some form of self pity. And this little piggy will never get to where she wants to be until she gets her head around that.